Phones, am I right?
It’s a scientific fact that your very first mobile phone choice reveals a lot about your personality.
Corded phones, not so much. They merely reveal the exact date and time at which you will die, but that’s not what we’re discussing here today
Whether you opted for The Brick, a flip phone, a Nokia 3210 or the earliest version of the iPhone, you were unknowingly buying into a lifetime of happiness, or unhappiness depending on your choice.
If we knew then what we all know now, would we have made the same mistakes? Honestly, probably. But it’s not about the journey, it’s about the destination which you found using your phone’s lack of map capabilities.
Simply find the closest match to your first mobile phone below and prepare to feel, perhaps for the first time in your life, truly seen.
Motorola DynaTAC 8000x
The Zack Morris. The Brick. The Heaviest Object Known To Man. The concisely named Motorola DynaTAC 8000x. If you were once in possession of one of these beefy boys, it’s likely that you are now dead because the phone was released in 1984 and probably emitted a lethal amount of radiation with every phone call made. Still, you lived a good life, circumnavigating the world to carry out various business endeavours such as putting the wheels in motion to trigger a worldwide economic collapse in later years. Your funeral was a cheery affair, with attendees choosing to focus on the happier side of things, momentarily forgetting about your many legal troubles so as not to upset Nana again. She’s dead now too. You’re both in hell for very different reasons. She used to inaccurately weigh loose items on the supermarket self-scanner, whereas you killed a man with a Sharpie.
Rumour has it that the phone pictured above has had full strength battery since its initial release in 2000. Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about you. You’re tired. You’ve been living life in the fast lane for many years, but now you’re exhausted. You’ve nothing left to give. Truthfully, your heart hasn’t really been in it since Tesco changed the recipe for their salt and vinegar rice cakes. Nobody else seems to have noticed the injustice, so you’re bearing the brunt of it alone. You derive great pleasure from the simple things in life, such as vaping and posting ‘Who?’ under internet articles about well-known celebrities. You struggle to find jeans that give the right fit around your waist but also feel snug on your legs. One day you’ll find the perfect pants, but it still won’t bring you true happiness. Still, remember Snake though? What a game.
As an honorary member of society’s most elite consumers, you went through several LG Chocolate phones at no expense to yourself. You started with the black version, then dabbled with the red for a time, ending with the blue before you decided it was time to upgrade once more. You were born rich enough to be able to decide that a typical 9-5 desk job isn’t suited to you, a luxury many of us can only ever dream of. Instead, you indulge your fondness for being a layabout, using various root vegetables to produce artwork, purchasing Instagram followers and badgering your friends to take some time off work to go traveling with you so you can find yourself again, just like you did during gap year in the dark and dangerous depths of Toronto. Keep on trucking, champ!
Bit of a scene kid, weren’t you? Kitted out in skater trainers without actually owning a skateboard, Dairylea Lunchables enthusiast, Sega Mega Drive owner, possibly even pretended that you saw Santa Claus one year. You enjoyed impressing your peers back then and continue to thrive off that sensation to this very day. Sure, you’re older now, maybe you have a car, maybe it’s a complete piece of shit but you bought a Tesla keyring so that when can drop your keys in various social situations, people assume that you own one of Elon Musk’s exports. You’re a fraud. Your Instagram sells an inaccurate portrayal of your lifestyle. Sure, did technically holiday in Dubai last year, but only because you wanted to add some exotic catches to your Pokémon Go haul.
You happily adopted the mentality of a perfectly content mum of four during your teenage years, with a sensible head on your shoulders and a fascination with the weather. You didn’t dare use the WAP function on your phone for fear of spiralling your family into debt. Instead, you used the phone for emergencies only, strictly foregoing the temptation to purchase those alluring polyphonic ringtones seen on TV ads. When you went on summer holidays, the phone went straight into the safe and was powered off for the duration, lest any international calls upset your finances. These days, you’re still as tight as ever. You buy yellow sticker items in every supermarket and haven’t experienced the fuzzy sensation of purchasing goods from a recognisable brand in years. Cheapskate.
Samsung SGH X480
You weren’t really fussed about phones when they came along, but you still bought one just to keep up with everyone else. Fancy features didn’t entice you, it was more about something practical and reasonably priced. You preferred to spend your money on drugs and sex. Just kidding, you spent every penny of your meagre pocket money on sweets from the corner shop. You’d pay your younger sibling to fetch you some treats while you stayed at home and watched Cartoon Network. In later years, you continued this entrepreneurial spirit, taking a keen interest in stock markets and various other investments. Sadly, a crooked man named Chive led you astray and you lost everything. Now you wander the streets spreading the good word of the Lord and loudly tutting at the Hare Krishnas.
Congratulations! You were miles ahead of the curve and never let anyone forget it. “I had the very first iPhone”, you tell the flight attendant as she forcefully removes you from the plane before takeoff due to disorderly behaviour. To be fair, you were completely in the right. You asked for a glass of champagne and they served you Cava. Luckily your distinguished palate spotted the difference, which paved the way for an extraordinary outburst as the 6am flight was boarding. Fellow passengers restrained you as you shouted “I have a very large social following and they’ll be hearing about this” and “Please can I just stay, I promise I’ll be good”. Congratulations on never playing the lottery because it’s never going to be “enough money” for all of your wild plans. You are the worst.
As a budding artist at the time, the Nokia 3200 felt like a natural fit for you. It brought together three areas of importance – communication, personalisation and a dangerously blinding torch. You designed upwards of three phone covers, none of which drew the intended level of attention from your peers, so you settled back with one of the original styles. These days you’re still very much an attention seeker, posting vague social media updates that prompt a concerned response from the three people that still talk to you. Last year, you broke your arm for attention. It paid off because your former boss saw the Instagram post and sent a DM that said “Feel better – we are all thinking of you!”. Idiots. They’re like putty in your hands, you barely even think about them anymore.
NERD. Absolute NERD. Dork, loser, freak, dingus, chump. Nerd. It wasn’t simply enough for you to get a phone for ease of contact, nay, you needed more, for you are beyond the usual realms of possibility for humanity. You needed something that could sate your appetite for gaming, whilst also looking like you’re holding a flip flop to your ear during each phone call. These days you’ve turned over a new leaf, putting others first, engaging in charity work and living a perfectly sustainable lifestyle. Just kidding, you film yourself playing video games and upload them for your 8 (eight) YouTube subscribers to peruse at their leisure. You stream on Twitch every night and although nobody watches, there’ll be a healthy chunk of backlog content for your adoring fans to watch when you hit the big time. In the meantime, you still live at home and consume four cans of Monster every day.